They like to fuck and get fucked, suck and get sucked, preferably at the same time! Its open house and youre invited to the wildest party ev

      

Original post by admin and software by Elliott Back

You get the best of both worlds when you go bi! Have your dick sucked and your asshole plowed! These guys enjoy sex so much that they like i

      

Original post by admin and software by Elliott Back

Lest you begin to think that this journey is a one person travail, you must know that my wife suffers much as I do, albeit in different ways. Last week was particularly trying… for both of us. In her own honest & insightful perspective, she wrote the following to share the other side of the coin with you. Enjoy.

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I’m used to being the strong one. The one other people go to when they’re experiencing crises. The one they look to for an objective, rational viewpoint. The one who could look Ben in the eye and claim with utter truthfulness that if we couldn’t find a way to stay married, I’d still be his best friend. Because I understand. I can see how difficult this is for him and I know he wouldn’t have chosen this for us, if the choice was his to make. I’m used to being the strong one.

But sometimes the burden of dealing with weighty matters such as these become too much to bear and even the strongest of us break. And that’s what happened to me last week. I broke. And I couldn’t seem to put the pieces back together fast enough before the cracks started showing again.

Luckily for me, I’ve developed enough of a support system, both in the real world and online, so when I did break, people noticed. One of those people was Nate, with whom I’ve developed quite a strong friendship. Up to this point, it has mostly consisted of me listening and offering advice as he and his wife dealt with many of the same things Ben and I have experienced. But over the last week, the tables were turned and I was able to share with him the reasons behind my emotional breakdown and he was there to support me. And when I was starting to pull out of it, he urged me to share my thoughts with Ben’s readers, because they are imbued with, as he put it, things that you don’t want to hear, but need to.

There was no one thing that led to my emotional collapse last week. Rather, it was the cumulative effect of months’ worth of pressure and difficult decision-making, as we tried to define our marriage in new terms. It was naive of me to assume that I would escape this process unscathed. I think even a person with an over-developed self-esteem would find herself struggling in the wake of the kinds of tense negotiations we have been having. Intellectually, I understand that my husband’s sexuality is not a reflection on me, nor does it really have anything to do with me at all. But it is tremendously difficult, emotionally, to convince myself that his desire for other men does not mean that I am somehow “lacking.”

I feel as though I’m not good enough, even though I know if I were a man, I would still not have or be everything he wants. The fact of the matter is, while my husband is everything I want and need – sexually, emotionally, physically and as a life partner – I fall short in a few of those areas for him. And much as I try not to let it, there are times when that crushes me.

When I think about Ben having sex with other people, my stomach starts to churn up. I can taste the acid in my mouth and I can feel the blood draining out of my face. But Ben’s sexuality isn’t going to change. And I can’t realistically expect, with so much of our lives still ahead of us, that he will be able to forgo having sex with other men forever. So I have to think about it. I can’t pretend that it isn’t going to come up again.

Complicating things further, I know myself well enough to know that a don’t ask, don’t tell policy is not one that will work for us. There has been enough dishonesty in our relationship for me. So we’re facing that whirlwind of questions Drew so eloquently described in his post last week, and, like him, we’re not finding any easy answers.

The thing is, Ben’s bisexuality, in and of itself, doesn’t bother me. I was fine with it when it was an abstract concept. Ben gave me every reason to believe he would never do anything to betray me or my trust in him, so it didn’t much matter to me if he was fantasizing about men while we were together. It still doesn’t, actually. I fantasize about a lot of stuff I would never act on. He can suck all the cock he wants, in his mind, as far as I’m concerned. It’s when fantasy meets reality where I start to panic.

I have a lot invested in this relationship. And I know Ben’s not going to throw what we have away for a fantasy man or woman he’s having great sex with in his mind. But, to my way of thinking, the odds change when he starts having real sex with real people. Real people have their own charms and can bring things to the table that I can’t, necessarily. So I start thinking that now I have to work extra hard to hang on to this relationship in which I’ve already invested so much. And then I start resenting that I have to work this hard, while he’s got me so easily in his back pocket. And then I feel guilty for resenting him, because I know this isn’t easy for him, either. It’s a vicious cycle, which is why, if you want to get brutally honest, I’d prefer he never had sex with anyone but me ever again. (Although that starts its own vicious cycle in which I beat myself up for being so selfish and closed-minded.)

The thing is, while I know intellectually that this is not about me, and he wouldn’t be working so hard to find a way for us to stay together if he didn’t love me, and “it’s just sex, it doesn’t mean anything”, I believe that sex is a form of intimacy, and when you start creating sexual intimacy with people other than your spouse, there is risk involved. And it’s a risk that impacts both halves of the couple, even though only one half of the couple actually sees any benefits from it (unless you want to make a case for the “I’m happy you’re happy” argument. )

I think that’s why there is so much talk from straight spouses about their “queer” better halves “having their cake and eating it too.” No, it’s not fun for you to be in the closet, and no, it’s not fun to have these desires and not act on them, and I certainly don’t believe that this is fun and games for anyone dealing with it. Cake isn’t even an issue. But if you manage to hang on to your spouse and still explore the other side, you have hit the mother lode, in a sense, while your straight spouse gets…what, exactly?

We’re not interested in sleeping with other people, so where is our cake? Should I just rejoice that Ben’s decided to try and make things work with me? I suppose I could, and maybe I should, given how things have changed. But considering that I expected that to be the case when we said our vows, I really don’t think that’s a gain. Maybe I should just celebrate that we’ve swept the dishonesty and hiding out of our relationship? Well, to be honest, I didn’t ask my husband to start lying to me in the first place, and I did everything I could to ensure he had a safe harbor at home, where hiding wasnt necessary, so the fact that we’ve now eliminated that is great, but it still doesn’t strike me as a gain.

THIS is what eats at me during those dips in the roller coaster, and what caused me to lose it last week. I love my husband and I want the life with him that I imagined when we stood up in front of our friends and families and took our vows. But Ben can’t take back his bisexuality, so how do we restructure our marriage so that it doesn’t feel like at least one of us is getting the short end of the stick? I don’t have any answers yet, and neither does he. And the question just keeps getting harder.

Original post by Ben and software by Elliott Back

So after I helped K to update her blog template tonight, by chance I clicked on my StatCounter. Now understand, I don’t usually check on my stats. Sure, I like to see the little number in my sidebar increment “oh so slowly”, but I don’t obsess over it. At least not like, ahem, K, ahem.

Seriously, she’s obsessed. Just about every 3 days, we have a conversation that goes like:

Her: chuckle… chuckle some more… chuckle even more, breaking out into a full laugh that now requires me to divert attention from my reading or computer work.
Me: What’s so funny?
Her: Somebody searched for “slut wife text message” (oh yes, that was a real search term) to get to my blog.
Me: shaking my head in bemused confusion & returning to my work.

So I rarely go to my StatCounter details. I like knowing that people are getting something out of my blog, but I don’t care that I have a random consistent reader in Slovenia. Another truth for K’s blog. Can you tell I’m shaking my head?

Anyway, I checked it tonight, and I about shit myself. Just yesterday, I’ve had 47 unique visitors. Which for me, is a lot. And it’s been growing from its usual 10-20 per day (usually 10), since Monday or Tuesday. Seeing this new value, I dug further, and found to my amazement that I had been linked from a prominent site on About.com. Apparently, Gay Life covers all sorts of topics that relate to the growing, or more aware, GLBT community. Within the many informative articles, the Best Bisexual Blogs are covered, and somehow I was listed as number 1.

I should point out here though, that as much as I’m flattered by the mention, I don’t know that I’m worthy of the attention. I’m only one voice in a vast sea of blogging talent. Just check out the links in my “Inspiration” or “Blogs of Note” sections in the sidebar, to get an idea of how many others are adding their messages, and talking so much more truth that I’m still desperately searching for. I’m still in the beginning stages of my journey, and most days, I find it difficult to speak of.

So I have no idea how I ended up featured among these other truly great writers, but I feel deeply honored. And a bit troubled as well. I mean, don’t get me wrong. I owe Ramon Johnson a hearty thank you for putting me on the bisexual blogging map like no other. But that also means that apparently, I won’t be able to just hide behind my fears & post at random anymore. It looks like I might have a whole new host of readers, clamoring for attention, and new content. So, yes, my devoted fans, and new eyeballs alike, I will be posting more.

Fortunately, I had decided earlier this weekend that I’m done with hiding. I have too much I’ve been thinking about & dealing with to not share, even with myself. For I know that at the end of this journey, wherever it might lead, I’ll want to look back, and know just where I started.

And hopefully, I’ll have enjoyed the journey.

Original post by Ben and software by Elliott Back

Since I started this blog, along with my journey of self-discovery, I lived with an illusion. The illusion of keeping my mother in the dark. At least until I had the opportunity to tell her in person.

You see, my mother & I have a great relationship. As good as I could ever hope for. One in which we actually strongly considered applying for the reality show The Amazing Race. In fact, whenever I visit, I consider it my task to get Mom to flip me off at least once per day. Seriously, it’s a very playful & enjoyable relationship. I couldn’t be more proud of how we get along. Particularly in light of how horribly my father & I get along. But that’s another post.

So it was with a naive heart that I thought I could hide this blog & my journey from her. I’m sure you already know the punch line to this post. Essentially the first day that K started her own personal blog (February 14th), I left a comment to it. As many of you know, a very quick & painless process in this connected world of words & wisdom. And in so doing, it was left under the profile that is connected to this place in which I share my personal journey.

It was done in a moment. Without thinking. And then I started the commute home from work. A trip of about 45 minutes.

Once there, K mentioned that I used this profile to post the comment, and that she had told her friends & family about her blog. So I might want to remove the comment.

45 minutes.
With a link to this site.
And my mother has long since mastered the use of a mouse.

Let’s flash forward to the day before K was to return home from her last trip in New Jersey. April 25.

K & I were IM’g, coordinating plans & looking forward to being together again. The week apart had been very hellacious, particularly since it brought out so many feelings & memories that had occurred from the last trip. I don’t remember exactly how it came up, but it led me to ask the question outright. “Does my mother know about my blog & my sexuality?”

Having spoken the secret phrase that would no longer allow her to dance around the truth, she confirmed my worst fear. “Yes, she’s known.”

Now, before you go thinking that K had been deliberately lying, or embellishing the truth, she hadn’t. She had been sworn to secrecy for months by my mother. Sworn to let me come to terms with things, and speak to whomever I chose on my own time. But alas, even I, who is emotionally guarded at my best of times, and a Fort Knox most often, didn’t have any control. The truth was out… and it was to myself.

So no, K had not deceived me. But she had hated every partial conversation of me asking & hinting of my mother’s knowledge, yet never led to her being able to come clean. And for a brief instant, I hated both her & my mother. Very brief.

Mostly, I hated myself.
For feeling ashamed.
And for being weak.

But that’s also another post. Mostly, I felt lost. I had wanted to tell one of my best friends, my mother, about the truth. For several reasons. With as good of a relationship as we have, I didn’t think that I could feel as honest as I claim myself to be by withholding something that was such a deep part of who I am. Or who I’m becoming. I’m still confused to think about it. In addition, if for some inexplicable reason, K & I end up going separate directions, I figured it would help the questions from circulating like a tornado if Mom had a brief glimpse of the truth early on.

So the hatred. Again, it was a brief thing. Part of me hated that K had been used against me by my family, but I understood.

It was for me.
For my growth.
For my self.

And I hated that too. Because I hate feeling selfish. I’d rather have the word “selfless” on my tombstone. But I also know that I’m far from that in my progress towards the truth within myself.

Mostly though, I hated that when I found out, it was desperately past midnight on the East Coast. And while this was important & traumatic to me, I didn’t think it warranted putting my mother through a sleepless night to call her right then. (See the paragraph above, and know that I try.)

I had previously planned to pick up some tools inadvertently left at J’s new bungalow, after helping her put up countless items of framed art. (Which ended up looking incredible by the way, but that’s another post.)

After speaking with J, and feeling my heart ready to rend itself in two, or to have a flashfire of anger consume me until I destroyed something of value to her or myself, I did the next best thing. I drove. I drove, and spent several hours driving in the more desolate parts of Arizona.

In my pain & angst ridden anger, flashes of jerking the car off the road, or just “missing a turn” were constant antagonists. But my desire to see K after her weeklong trip, and seeing the smiling face of LD kept me from doing something monumentally stupid. Something that would cause God herself to slap me upside the head.

After making myself quite tired. Numb even. I returned home. And slept through a fit of depression that made me feel barely livable the next day. And in the morning, I called Mom.

And the world didn’t end.
And things were good.
Not great, but not terrible.
She reacted as I always figured that she would, but feared she might not.
And life continued.
Still does.

So long story, short. We’re visiting near the 4th of July. And I’ll be able to share the truth in person. Sure, it’s a bit late, but at least I can get a hug, and not feel quite so torn. Not quite so dismantled.

Maybe even loved a bit more.

For who I am.

Original post by Ben and software by Elliott Back

Have you had enough of people trying to pigeon-hole you? Trying to make you decide whether youre queer or straight? Well, stand up for yours

      

Original post by admin and software by Elliott Back

So Mark had done this a long time ago, and it seemed fun enough, so I thought I would post it as well just to get back in the groove. I think I’ve been hiding long enough.

Lame? Yes. Better than nothing? Yes.

As you’ll see, there isn’t much on this list that I’ve actually read, but I could add loads of my own titles if it covered a more fantasy genre.

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Original Source: History Detective
Lifted From: Defending the Raven

Instructions: Bold the ones you’ve read, italicize the ones you might read, cross out the ones you won’t, underline the ones on your book shelf, and place (parentheses) around the ones you’ve never even heard of.

The Da Vinci Code – Dan Brown
The Catcher in the Rye – J.D. Salinger
The Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy – Douglas Adams
The Great Gatsby – F.Scott Fitzgerald
To Kill a Mockingbird – Harper Lee
(The Time Traveler’s Wife – Audrey Niffenegger)
(His Dark Materials – Philip Pullman)
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince – J. K. Rowling
(Life of Pi – Yann Martel)
Animal Farm: A Fairy Story – George Orwell
Catch-22 – Joseph Heller
The Hobbit – J. R. R. Tolkien
(The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time – Mark Haddon)
Lord of the Flies – William Golding
Pride and Prejudice – Jane Austen
1984 – George Orwell
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban – J. K. Rowling
(One Hundred Years of Solitude – Gabriel Garcia Marquez)
Memoirs of a Geisha – Arthur Golden
(The Kite Runner – Khaled Hosseini)
The Lovely Bones – Alice Sebold
(Slaughterhouse 5 – Kurt Vonnegut)
Angels and Demons – Dan Brown
Fight Club – Chuck Palahniuk
(Neuromancer – William Gibson)
(Cryptonomicon – Neal Stephenson)
(The Secret History – Donna Tartt)
A Clockwork Orange – Anthony Burgess
Wuthering Heights – Emily Bronte
Brave New World – Aldous Huxley
The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe – C. S. Lewis
(Middlesex – Jeffrey Eugenides)
(Cloud Atlas – David Mitchell)
The Lord of the Rings – J. R. R. Tolkien
Jane Eyre – Charlotte Bronte
(Good Omens – Terry Pratchett, Neil Gaiman)
(Atonement – Ian McEwan)
(The Shadow Of The Wind – Carlos Ruiz Zafon)
The Old Man and the Sea – Ernest Hemingway
(The Handmaid’s Tale – Margaret Atwood)
(The Bell Jar – Sylvia Plath)
Dune – Frank Herbert

Original post by Ben and software by Elliott Back